A Slow Descent into the Nothingness

Posted: 30 November 2010 in Poetry, Thoughts

In all honesty, that sounds like a brilliant title for a poem. Let’s give it a try.

A slow descent into the void

as darkness wraps around my soul

closing tight it’s stone cold grip

enveloping my body whole

the darkness is a moments thought

of nothingness, the void of light

the second after brightness shines

and separates the fears of night

but once again the dark consumes

as it so oft is prone to do

and i might often loose my way

if i did wander ‘way from you

but you’re my light amidst the dark

my shiny guardian so bright

my brilliant soldier who for me

against the oily night does fight

so when i sadly start to sink

into the quicksand of despair

up to my neck in tears and woe

there comes a tugging on my hair

this gentle pulling me does save

from loosing heart along the way

and so i keep you burning bright

as i wake to another day

 

So there it is. It is kind of interesting how it really kind of depicts how I’ve been feeling as of late. I was just telling my friend how I tend to write poetry without always realising what it might mean. Such is with this one. It is interesting how I then interpret my own poem. Obviously, the darkness is despair, sorrow, worry, any of the not happy emotions. But then the light signifies hope. That even in the darkest hours of our lives, hope will still shine and keep us going.

That is truly how I’ve been living lately. I will have my random moments of sadness, but then I will have that hope revived that all will be ok and that I am doing a good thing.

We just had another two kids leave the centre. I can understand their reasoning, but it still made me sad. It hurts to know that there is nothing I can do to help them and that such bad things are going on and I have no real power to change anything. I can’t just snap my fingers and speak Thai so I can know of their worries, pains, happiness and successes. I can’t just wake up in the morning and fix all the problems and make their lives better. But I can make their life better for this moment. Tattapong and Kongkiert have left the centre but I know they are going to a better place and I will be checking on them every week that I can. It is that hope that they will know that I am always there for them.

That is what I want all the kids to know, that they are never alone and that no matter where I am in the world I will always be there for them. They may not understand it now, but I will help them understand by staying a presence in their lives. It is really sad that they never really get the chance to know people because the people will either leave early or be sent away. Supposedly in the last 28 months there has been around 60 volunteers at the centre!!! 60 volunteers is ridiculous. How can these kids be expected to build relationships with any of them let around feel an impact.

I’ve now just gotten over talking with Jahae (one of the boys) and once again I have heard another side of a story that I’ve been dealing with recently. It is the sudden appearance of Caty. She is an ex-director who has been banned from the centre. I have talked with her a few times and I have also been hearing IHF’s version of her and I am surrounded by so many versions of a story that it makes you wonder how a story could become so distorted that nobody seems to have anything right. I hate drama but once again it seems I have managed to put myself in the middle of it.

But as in the poem I wrote, I need to have hope that things will turn out well. I will have hope that my presence will be good and that even in the midst of the turmoil, I can be that light of hope in someones darkness and that even when I am not close to them, that they will never forget that I am always with them. I know that this entry is somewhat chaotic, but that is also how my life currently feels, chaotic. It’s funny that even right now when I’m feeling a bit stressed, I wished that one of the kids would come by and just smile at me, punch me or interact with me in some way just so the stress can vanish, because in all reality, they are the light in my darkness.

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